Day 16 "When Does 1/2+1/2 ≠ 1? When it comes to Relationships!"

If you have been around long enough, you will see it. The difference between two sets of people coming together to get married. On the one hand, you have the couple exhibiting wholeness- each partner individually comfortable in their own skin, fully capable of going through life on their own without getting married but choosing not to. There is a certain contentment that radiates from this couple and often in their comfort zone, they turn the spotlight off of themselves and turned it towards others. And on the other hand, you have the unwholesome couple coming together- where there is over-excitement and elaborate detail to each and every aspect of the wedding to make sure that everything measures up exactly to the fairytale wedding that has been fantasized for years. It becomes quickly evident through observation how dependent each of the partners are on each other, not being very comfortable in their own skin. As they enter into this legal ceremony, as one witnessing their vows to one another, you can almost overhear the unspoken expectation, "I am so looking forward to you completing me!" No wonder 40-50 % of people getting married today wind up getting divorced.

Take a look for a moment at the simple equation we learned in math class about fractions:

1/2 + 1/2 = 1

We used a pie-shape diagram to illustrate this concept of two halves of a pie coming together to make one whole pie. Makes complete sense.

But, now, let us try to apply this equation to relationships. We often hear the phrase, "You complete me." So let's suppose you have two individuals not completely whole by themselves. There are many reasons for this to occur: Abuse while growing up, broken homes, absent fathers or mothers, broken relationships, shame, insecurities, hurts, abandonment, just to name a few. But the point is that each 1/2 is looking to the other partner to bring their 1/2 up to 1. Or it might be that just one of the partners is in need for the other partner to complete them. In any case, in counseling it has been brought up that when it comes to relationships, the mathematical equation above changes in character from one of addition to one of multiplication. Now, the interaction between needy partners results in a different answer:

1/2 X 1/2 = 1/4

Do you see it? When one partner or both partners are looking to the other partner to fulfill their needs, there is the need to take rather than having the ability to give. Notice from the multiplication equation that the final answer is less than the parts by themselves. Another insight as to why so many marriages end in divorce. It doesn't take too long for unmet needs to quickly escalate: "You didn't do it for me, so why should I do it for you?" The relationship quickly breaks down to performance. The more needy a person is, the more the two parts coming together can have more of a draining and damaging effect on the

relationship.

Suppose each partner is only an 1/8 th of a person who is whole. Notice the final answer.

1/8 X 1/8 = 1/64

It is obvious from a simple multiplication equation above to see that the more insecure and self-centered an individual goes into marriage, the more at risk the healthiness and duration of the marriage. Now, look at two healthy, whole people coming together.

1 X 1 = 1

The byproduct of two wholes is still whole. Like a parallel set of tracks that never intersect, working in tandem, headed in the same direction. There is a saying that I have learned and believe. I couldn't have said it and meant it earlier in my life because there was too much brokenness and shame in my life. But I believe it now rings true for me: "I can live the rest of my life without you, and I will be alright. But I choose not to." The second time around in marriage, I didn't go into it out of need. I found myself entering the marriage with an excitement to share life's journey ahead and the desire to be a giver rather than a taker.

What made all the difference for me? It was coming to an understanding of God's unconditional love for me and His acceptance of me not based on my performance but on His mercy and grace.

"This is how God showed His love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the

world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He

loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." 1 John 4:10

"This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.

There is no difference, for all sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are

justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."

Romans 3:22-24

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children

of God! And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1

"Therefore , there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

"Perfect love casts out all fear." 1 John 4:18

Only in the perfect, unconditional love of God can we truly become whole and let go of our shame and burdens. ( See day 15). Christ on the cross did for us what we could not do for ourselves. He made a way to take away all of our sins- past, present, and future- and to take away all our insecurities and shame. It is all by faith. And it is one heck of a ride!

Jesus gave his best for our best.

Until tomorrow....